Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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