i think my tv is drunk
Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Randomize
