This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
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