when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
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