Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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