I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
So you refered to him as "monster dick"...not so much
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
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