And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
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