Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
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