My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
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