It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
