I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
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