I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
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Do I have a choice?
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Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
Randomize
