Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
Randomize