If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
