I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
