WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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