Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
