i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
Randomize
