I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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