please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Randomize
