just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
The slutty girl scout law, revised for halloween 10: on my honor i will try, to serve my vagina and my shot glass. To hold back friends hair at all voming moments and to live by the sluttly girl scout law.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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