If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
Randomize
