I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
