don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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