when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
Randomize
