My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
Randomize
