guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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