sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
