haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
I had a new years resolution not to be a whore anymore, but I think I'm gonna wait till 2011
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
