Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
