First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
I wish there were birth control emojis
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
Randomize