So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
all the douches that like ed hardy are the same douches that were obsessed with lisa frank
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
Randomize
