I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
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