Soo both my 8 year old sister and fuck buddy are named Sarah..
this can't be going anywhere good
nooope. guess which one i texted last nite to come over so i could "punish her pussy"? =\
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
