: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Randomize
