I accidentally burped into my bong.
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
Randomize
