I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
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