every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
Fact: Godrick looks like David Archuleta
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
Randomize
