Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
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