They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
Randomize
