He is an equal opportunity slut.
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
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