well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
i justawanted to let you know that illi aalways be thwew for ui and o qill waasag youer dog whenebvet u wsnt
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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