I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
i think we should start 2012 by becoming clean and sober for awhile and buckle down
ppsyche im wasted where are you
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
