she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
Randomize
