just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
I am midnight drunk by noon
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
Randomize