If a girl drunk dials you she's at least entertained the idea of sleeping w/ you correct?
YES
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
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