i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
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