I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
Randomize
