when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
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