Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
Is that strawberry winking at me??
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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