Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
Randomize
