Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
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