Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
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