p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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