Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Randomize
