Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
i just made my gag reflex go away.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
