just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
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