my mouth tastes like poor choices
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
