I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
