it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
Randomize
