I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
Threesome in a minivan. New low
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
Randomize
