I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Randomize