I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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