Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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