Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
I just gargled with NyQuil
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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