I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Randomize
