My brain says no but my pants say off.
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
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