I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize
