Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
YAS. BRING CRAB.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
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