Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize